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Moved

“Where exactly is Delaware?”

“There’s beach in Delaware?”

Living in Worcester, Massachusetts your entire life, you might overlook this little gem of a state. Like most of my family and friends, I knew absolutely nothing about Delaware, until I decided to live there.

Honestly though, if anyone had told me at any point in my life that I was going to move to Delaware, I would not have believed them. Yet here I am, settling into my new home. Goodbye New England. Hello Del Mar Va.

Something inside of me was craving a change, but I did not know exactly what I needed. I would throw out crazy ideas to Felipe, like moving to Costa Rica or Wyoming – just complete spontaneous randomness. The truth though, was things were hard in my home.

School had just gotten out for the summer and all three kids were home with me while Felipe worked.  Vinni’s explosions were happening very regularly despite weekly therapy, daily medications, etc.  Vinni struggles with complex PTSD and MDD and it takes a toll on our whole family.  I had reached my breaking point and asked Felipe to take an FMLA leave for the month of July.

I am still taller than Vinni, but he grows stronger by the day, as his 11-year-old self transforms into a young man. When he was kidnapped by DCF and held at the abusive residential program, 3 Rivers, he was restrained and bruised and manhandled by full grown adults routinely.  He learned to fight back physically.  He seeks this aggressive level of interaction when he is exploding.

“You are the strongest person in this house.” I say to my husband, Felipe. “You could use your strength against us to get what you wanted, when you wanted it, but you would become a mean, aggressive person.  You can set the right example for him. I’m going to Virginia with the girls. I am setting my example by not tolerating this environment.”

I called my cousin Kerry and asked if it would be ok if I drove to her house on Saturday. She is divorced and lives in Richmond with her two boys. Her kids and my kids are very close and love spending time together – just like we did when we were kids. She said, “Of course! You guys can stay as long as you’d like. But on Tuesday the kids go to their dad’s and that’s when my adult time starts.” I reassured her we would leave Tuesday morning so as to not interrupt her grown-up time. We had a blast together, but it was sad not having Vinni and Felipe with us.

I told the girls we were stopping in Maryland on our way back to Massachusetts. “Why?” asked Olivia. My teenage daughter is a bitch to me a lot so I didn’t provide any other details about the hotel.

We got in the car very early Tuesday morning and I started driving to our next destination. I did not stop for coffee immediately and then it became apparent I was not going to stop for coffee. But somehow, some way, I navigated the Chesapeake Bay Tunnel Bridge system with zero coffee in my system. As we arrived in Worcester County, Maryland I thought, how funny! I booked a hotel in Ocean City knowing it was right on the beach, but I did not notice it was Worcester County.

As we drove up Coastal Highway, about 15 minutes out from our hotel, I woke up the girls. “Hey girls, we are close to our hotel. Look around, it’s beautiful!”

“There’s water everywhere.” Olivia was realizing this might not be a stupid hotel afterall. “Is this ocean water? Are we near a beach? MOM! That’s salt water!”

“SURPRISE!” I had been dying for this moment all morning. “We are staying at the beach!” I had booked two nights at the Princess Bayside hotel. The worst part about travelling alone with your daughters is having to carry your own luggage.  Felipe makes it look so easy.

After we settled into our hotel, we put on our bathing suits and started exploring. We had lunch at Macky’s, a cute beach front restaurant. You actually sit right on the beach and watch horseshoe crabs zoom about. Your kids splash in the shore as you wait for your food to cook. You feel the ocean breeze on your face as you sip a Dirty Banana.

Next, we walked across the street to the beach. Big waves made Olivia very happy.  For dinner, we hit the boardwalk and I ate my weight in pier fries.  We made plans to check out Assateague Island in the morning – this majestic beach where the horses run free.

I began to really question why we pay a premium to live in Worcester, Massachusetts. In Worcester, Maryland there’s beach everywhere and wild horses. I spoke to some locals. I did some research. I am efficient as fuck when I want to be.

“Babe!  Let’s move to Delaware! We can live on the water and pay only $500 in property taxes. And there’s no sales tax and lower income tax. You can fish everyday!”

Felipe reacted similarly to the Therapy Kitten idea. His initial response, “What the fuck, Erin?!”

Yet here we are, settling in at our Delaware home. Things still feel hard for my family. We struggle with trauma and explosions, but we are not in Massachusetts.  As much as I have loved Massachusetts my entire life, I now resent the entire state. In Massachusetts, Sergio Delgado has more rights than us. In Massachusetts, DCF and DMH want to control us instead of help us. In Massachusetts, we feel financially drained.

In Delaware we feel grateful for this fresh start.